Imago Therapy

Imago Relationship Therapy is based on the work of Harville Hendrix, who wrote Getting the Love You Want. I received my training and became an advanced Imago clinician in 1992. I had been working with couples since 1982 and when I discovered Imago therapy and took the training, doorways were opened for me to be able to lead couples into greater understanding, empathy, effective communication and lasting deeper connections.  There are two common reactions to threats in a relationship.

Imago Therapy is a structured and safe process of utilizing various exercises and techniques for couples to understand the dynamics of their relationship patterns. So much of how we relate to our partners is based unconsciously on what we have learned from our family relationships. Most people will find a partner who holds opposite parts, different ways of communicating and has both positive and negative qualities of their original caretakers. This choice is rarely made consciously. Becoming conscious and healing is the work of Imago Therapy.
 

Turtles and Tigers

We all have behaviors that are instantly triggered by others. There are two primary ways we respond to trauma when faced with a perceived threat in a relationship. We either retreat or we advance. Trauma is defined by a response to an event, sound, or picture that elicits strong feelings. In growing up, we learn which approach is going to give us the most instantaneous satisfaction. It is a survival mechanism. We are often attracted to and marry the one who has the opposite adaptation.
 

Tigers under stress NEED CONNECTION. They need to touch, talk, and see the person who is representing a threat. For them to settle down and feel safe, they need to be heard and be in relationship right away. They are perceived as over reactive and controlling.

Turtles under the same perceived threat NEED SPACE. They retreat physically or like turtles, even if they stay in the room, all body parts are tucked under the shell. They are perceived as not available and punishing with withdrawal. Turtles require time to process and lick their wounds.

These two typically will hook up and, without education or therapy, spend the rest of their time together battling and blaming the other for not being able to meet their needs.

The exercises in Imago therapy, mainly "the couples dialogue,” are designed to heal this dichotomy. When using the structured dialogue, the following happens: The turtle feels safe because he/she learns how to listen and mirror back what is heard. The dialogue is time limited so fear of being overwhelmed disappears, and learning empathy and understanding for their partner helps them be more fully present. The tiger feels heard and seen as their words are being mirrored back to them, and their partner stays in the room!

Completing the unfinished business of childhood.

In looking for "the perfect mate," we are unconsciously attracted to the person who holds the template for our healing. Being unaware of this hidden blueprint, we initially recognize and are attracted to their behaviors, looks and qualities so different from ours. Eureka, I have found my soul mate! Some examples of these differences we could be attracted to are:

• If you are hopelessly disorganized, you might fall for a neatnik.

• If your energy has been funneled into physical activities, you may be drawn to deep thinkers and constant readers

• If financial responsibility has been elusive, you'll find the one who keeps track of every penny.

After we been in a committed relationship for over a year or so and the chemistry of infatuation has worn off, we begin to discover that this person is also representative of some of the negative as well as the positive qualities of our childhood caregivers. In fact, that is part of the unrecognized attraction. Our attention is now drawn to their behaviors that activate our primary childhood wounding. We call this dynamic “The Imago," which is a Latin word for "Image."

Some examples of the unrecognized characteristics of caregivers that surface later in a relationship are:

• If a parent was controlling and you were unable to feel positive control yourself, you could be attracted to someone who tries to control you.

• If you had a parent who wounded you with criticism, you may be drawn to a critical person.

• If you learned that your primary value is in caring for others, you'll find someone who wants you to take care of them, but who won't be responsible for themselves.

It takes an ongoing practice of conscious communication before we are introduced to the gifts of our partner's differences, and even later to see the benefit. Accepting and integrating our partner’s behavior as well as understanding why we “push their buttons” is one path to "completing childhood." Our partner’s differences are a gift that forms the template for our own wholeness.

Video:  
“Me and my partner – and the Imago Dialogue” (link opens new window)

(916) 783-0579
  andrea@andreakellyimago.com

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